I was going to sit down and resume viewing of Being Human when I realized, I could identify with this scene:
Preface: Adam is a known vampire to his family who have supported his hunger in secret.
Fast Forward: Adam is discovered by Nina and George, caught feeding off his dying dad. They take him home, hoping Mitchell can mentor the young vampire. Mitchell declines due to unnecessary bad influences a young vampire may present. As expected, Adam can deny his hunger and attempts to kill a young teen. His attempt is thwarted by Nina. Before leaving Nina, George and Mitchell, he is given advice by Mitchell to find people better than him.
End: Adam turns down an open invitation to feed on the same young girl, but declines, stating “No, this isn’t what I want. You’re not what I need.”
I just realized I had the same experience during my last debauchery. I had hired a prostitute for sex and drugs. While he was out making a run, I was contacting another prostitute for even more debauchery. When prostitute two arrived – during prostitute one’s absence – I was not keen to his vibe, immediately realized I was paying him to service him, stood up and told him to leave because this was not right. Yes, I paid him anyway.
In conjunction with my last psychology visit, I was emphasizing that I was reaching a point where I was not enjoying therapy anymore. My psychologist suggested decreasing our visits to bi-weekly and I immediately agreed. I also made it clear that I felt I had talked enough; I wanted action now to get better.
Having seen the ending of Being Human again, I see my progress. I am probably making the next step more complicated than it is. Logically, I just need to keep doing the same thing until Mr. Right comes along, though I’ll settle for Mr. Right Now also.
Even the title of the episode is tongue-in-cheek! God, I love English humor, drama, and I have even begun to see the allure of English men.
Adam (Craig Roberts): “I mean, the craving will come back, though, so how do i fight it?”
Mitchell (Aidan Turner): “You surround yourself with good people; that’s what you do. you find someone better than you because then when you fail, you have to deal with their disappointment, and that’s what keeps you true.”
I have never found “someone better than me” or at least would even admit there IS someone better than me!
Seriously, that is the man I crave, to put me on the right track, to positively influence me. The other part of me that I have felt has been missing my entire life…and because of that I turned into a debauched, curmudgeonly king – in other words: a bitter, old queen! I am trying to turn back – I have the celibacy angle kicked, being impotent and unattractive – trying to surround myself with good people, but then logic kicks in and says “At fifty-four and in my state, what’s the point?
That’s the selfish truth.
What about me? How many times have I though that in my life? Is anyone keeping track?
My minds drifts…
“They are predators. Every inch of them is just hunger and fury. The energy it must take him every minute not to be like that.”
This description by George of Mitchell and his kind (vampires) made me tear up because I can so identify with that statement. I have always felt misaligned to the evil side, a suffering innocent inside dying to be set free.
In my dichotomous world I waver between hunger to achieve my wildest dream and my fury at it not manifesting, while others are blessed. During my addition years, I certainly preyed on men to get what I needed/wanted without any concern for their well-being. the argument in my head goes like this: It’s not all my fault. If one is concerned for one’s own well-being, they are going to ask questions before engaging in what could be dangerous behavior. Valid or not, I still stand by it.
I don’t live like that anymore. However, my fear of self-exposure keeps me from even trying. This in turn makes me resent those that get it, and I end up hating what I seek the most. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for around two months now and I am no where near addressing the imagined demons that swim around in my head.
“You know the worst thing about being a ghost? It’s lonely. You’ll give anything for that crumb of comfort; that feel of skin against skin that says “It’s okay, I’m here.” It’s a hunger, a most basic instinct. You might even drag others into this world of the dead; even if it means turning them into monsters too.”
~ Being Human
Series 1, Episode 1
Annie begins describing what it’s like to be a ghost and ends with a darker description of a vampire – Spoiler: [highlight to reveal: who later turns out to be her roommate].
My psycho recommended this program to me and I am loving it.
I could so relate to this description. I am that lonely, that desperate. To compound my situation, I’ve been feeling that ever since I was a kid. It has been satisfied
twice thrice, successfully, in my life, and to my satisfaction, but never again.
It is what I blame for my drug addiction. So desperate for it; my male persona allowed my female persona to be raped and abused by men, whom I have grown to resent/lust at the same time.
Doubling my sorrow is the fact that I have been the vampire too. I have tried to drag others into my world of dead even if it meant turning them into monsters too. I’m not saying my side of the street is clean, but neither is the victims.
No wonder I am alone.