Being Human: Season 3, Episode 2: Adam's Family

Being Human Season 3, Episode 2: Adam’s Family

Even the title of the episode is tongue-in-cheek! God, I love English humor, drama, and I have even begun to see the allure of English men.

Adam (Craig Roberts): “I mean, the craving will come back, though, so how do i fight it?”

Mitchell (Aidan Turner): “You surround yourself with good people; that’s what you do. you find someone better than you because then when you fail, you have to deal with their disappointment, and that’s what keeps you true.”

I have never found “someone better than me” or at least would even admit there IS someone better than me!

Seriously, that is the man I crave, to put me on the right track, to positively influence me. The other part of me that I have felt has been missing my entire life…and because of that I turned into a debauched, curmudgeonly king – in other words: a bitter, old queen! I am trying to turn back – I have the celibacy angle kicked, being impotent and unattractive – trying to surround myself with good people, but then logic kicks in and says “At fifty-four and in my state, what’s the point?

That’s the selfish truth.

What about me? How many times have I though that in my life? Is anyone keeping track?

My minds drifts…

Lana Parrilla

“I can’t keep living like this!

Sorry, this is a draft that I forgot to publish. Just as well, this can serve as my first post on this new website. 🙂

What Snow did to me; what she took from me. It’s eating me alive. Her very existence mocks me. She must be punished.

I can so identify with the Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla) from Once Upon A Time. June has been relegated as Gay Pride Month. I am gay, but I am not proud. If anything, My feelings towards other gays are equal to the Evil Queen’s feelings towards Snow.

Rationally, I admit my lack of good choices and accountability in life corroded my self respect. All I ever wanted in life was a companion to share my life with. Growing up gay; knowing I was different, but now how; and the constant bullying I experienced from others with more sharpened intuition made keeping my secret unbearable.

“What they did to me; what they took from me; it’s eating me alive!”

When I learned I was gay and that there were others I celebrated…right into addiction, irrationality and the whole time I was still hoping, seeking and desiring a companion. Of course my perceptions of what love would be got warped and twisted. My journey into loneliness was only compounded by the fact that being overweight my whole life, I was not the ideal “West Hollywood,” “South Beach” skinny, muscular homo.

“Their very existence mocks me!”

As such, I did not find much to be gay or proud about and continue to mull these dire thoughts.

“I can’t keep living like this!”

I have given up in life. My health has deteriorated over two years and now I am plagued with elder complications. I have no ambition, no friends, and probably insufficient energy for any activities. I just wait to die now and in the meantime, I enjoy the company of my dog, Mojo, with whom I have a pact that we must die at the same time.

George describing Mitchell

Being Human: George

“They are predators. Every inch of them is just hunger and fury. The energy it must take him every minute not to be like that.”

~ George
Being Human

This description by George of Mitchell and his kind (vampires) made me tear up because I can so identify with that statement. I have always felt misaligned to the evil side, a suffering innocent inside dying to be set free.

In my dichotomous world I waver between hunger to achieve my wildest dream and my fury at it not manifesting, while others are blessed. During my addition years, I certainly preyed on men to get what I needed/wanted without any concern for their well-being. the argument in my head goes like this: It’s not all my fault. If one is concerned for one’s own well-being, they are going to ask questions before engaging in what could be dangerous behavior. Valid or not, I still stand by it.

I don’t live like that anymore. However, my fear of self-exposure keeps me from even trying. This in turn makes me resent those that get it, and I end up hating what I seek the most. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for around two months now and I am no where near addressing the imagined demons that swim around in my head.

Ghost

Being Human: Annie

“You know the worst thing about being a ghost? It’s lonely. You’ll give anything for that crumb of comfort; that feel of skin against skin that says “It’s okay, I’m here.” It’s a hunger, a most basic instinct. You might even drag others into this world of the dead; even if it means turning them into monsters too.”

~ Being Human
Series 1, Episode 1

Annie begins describing what it’s like to be a ghost and ends with a darker description of a vampire – Spoiler: [highlight to reveal: who later turns out to be her roommate].

My psycho recommended this program to me and I am loving it.

I could so relate to this description. I am that lonely, that desperate. To compound my situation, I’ve been feeling that ever since I was a kid. It has been satisfied twice thrice, successfully, in my life, and to my satisfaction, but never again.

It is what I blame for my drug addiction. So desperate for it; my male persona allowed my female persona to be raped and abused by men, whom I have grown to resent/lust at the same time.

Doubling my sorrow is the fact that I have been the vampire too. I have tried to drag others into my world of dead even if it meant turning them into monsters too. I’m not saying my side of the street is clean, but neither is the victims.

No wonder I am alone.