George describing Mitchell

Being Human: George

“They are predators. Every inch of them is just hunger and fury. The energy it must take him every minute not to be like that.”

~ George
Being Human

This description by George of Mitchell and his kind (vampires) made me tear up because I can so identify with that statement. I have always felt misaligned to the evil side, a suffering innocent inside dying to be set free.

In my dichotomous world I waver between hunger to achieve my wildest dream and my fury at it not manifesting, while others are blessed. During my addition years, I certainly preyed on men to get what I needed/wanted without any concern for their well-being. the argument in my head goes like this: It’s not all my fault. If one is concerned for one’s own well-being, they are going to ask questions before engaging in what could be dangerous behavior. Valid or not, I still stand by it.

I don’t live like that anymore. However, my fear of self-exposure keeps me from even trying. This in turn makes me resent those that get it, and I end up hating what I seek the most. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for around two months now and I am no where near addressing the imagined demons that swim around in my head.

Ghost

Being Human: Annie

“You know the worst thing about being a ghost? It’s lonely. You’ll give anything for that crumb of comfort; that feel of skin against skin that says “It’s okay, I’m here.” It’s a hunger, a most basic instinct. You might even drag others into this world of the dead; even if it means turning them into monsters too.”

~ Being Human
Series 1, Episode 1

Annie begins describing what it’s like to be a ghost and ends with a darker description of a vampire – Spoiler: [highlight to reveal: who later turns out to be her roommate].

My psycho recommended this program to me and I am loving it.

I could so relate to this description. I am that lonely, that desperate. To compound my situation, I’ve been feeling that ever since I was a kid. It has been satisfied twice thrice, successfully, in my life, and to my satisfaction, but never again.

It is what I blame for my drug addiction. So desperate for it; my male persona allowed my female persona to be raped and abused by men, whom I have grown to resent/lust at the same time.

Doubling my sorrow is the fact that I have been the vampire too. I have tried to drag others into my world of dead even if it meant turning them into monsters too. I’m not saying my side of the street is clean, but neither is the victims.

No wonder I am alone.